Offical Joke Thread

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Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:47 am

Post all your jokes here! Very Happy

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:47 am

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:48 am

How do you drive a blonde crazy?

Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:49 am

Warning: Some of these jokes might be a little disturbing...

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?

Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

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Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts.

Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.

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Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?

Shut up and get back in the oven.

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Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?

Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!

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Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.

Shut up and eat around it!

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Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?

Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

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Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!

Shut up and comb your face!

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Mommy, Mommy! What do you want with that ax...

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:50 am

RED NECK JOKES:

You might be a redneck if your home has more miles in it than your car.

You might be a redneck if you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

You might be a redneck if that billboard that says, "Say No To Crack" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

You might be a redneck if you think the OJ trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You might be a redneck if your momma has "ammo" on her xmas list.

You might be a redneck if on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

You might be a redneck if your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

You might be a redneck if your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:51 am

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by SCVroker7253 on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:51 am

Ok so three gay guys walk into a bar and there is only one barstool left so one of them says "lets flip a coin for it" and another one says "better yet lets flip it over!"

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:52 am

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:52 am

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:53 am

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
She hears: “Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:53 am

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 1:54 am

A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.

"What did you do that for?" he asked her.

"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by vampiress197 on Sat Jan 31, 2009 2:22 am

well hmmm idk what jokes to tell now cause someone...*coughs*Joey*coughs* told all my jokes HAHA!
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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by Blindbat on Sat Jan 31, 2009 2:25 am

vampiress197 wrote:well hmmm idk what jokes to tell now cause someone...*coughs*Joey*coughs* told all my jokes HAHA!

I love you too! Very Happy

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by SCVroker7253 on Sun Feb 01, 2009 2:48 am

So a guy walks into a bar and says "hey bartender let me get one of your strongest drinks." So the bartender hand the man his drink and quickly chugs it and then pulls something out of his pocket, looks at it, and puts it back in and then says "Hey bartender give me one more of those strong drinks." So he quickly chugs that one too and then pulls the same thing out of his pocket looks at it, and puts it back it and once again says to the bartender "Hey bartender can I get another one of your strongest drinks?" so he gets it and once again quickly chugs it. Well after about 10 or so times of the man doing this the bartender gets curious and asks the man "Sir what is it that you have there in your pocket that you look at every time you take a drink?" the man replies "It is a picture of my wife. I drink until she looks beautiful then I go home."

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Re: Offical Joke Thread

Post by vampiress197 on Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:26 pm

There was a little girl who said, "Mom, why'd you name me Flower?" and her mom said, "Well when you were a baby a flower landed on your head."

And the next little girl who said, "Mom, why'd you name me Leaf?" and her mom said, "Well when you were a baby a leaf landed on your head."

And the last little girl said, "Moooooom Whelopolpol nageth----And her mom said, "Shut up Cinder-Block!"
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